EMOLK (ohkeenowel) wrote,

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i'll lay it out for everyone.

i've pretty much distanced myself from most, probably all of my friends. i don't know what else to do. i don't want to be around anyone. and when i am, i barely know what to say or how to act. just because i can't drink or smoke, makes me less fun to be around? am i disappointing everyone? maybe i am being irresponsible. but i'm trying to do what i think is right. some support would be nice. it must be nice to have your parents pretty much pay for everything, to barely have any responsibilities, stay out and party every night because you have no job in the morning, or even if you do, it's not a big deal if you get fired, have someone pay for you to go to school, and push you to do well, but you could care less about going. it must be fucking nice. maybe it's good that i'm pushing myself away. i've got things i have to go, and i least i'm owning up to it. maybe this will all be a disaster, maybe it already it is. but, maybe it won't be, maybe it will work.  i don't know why i expected anyone to care, or understand. fuck it.
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i think you were right with your text message to me this weekend --- that it all was a misunderstanding. if you felt that the only way i wanted to hang out with you is if we were drinking, that is what i thought you were thinking. i thought you only wanted to hang out with me if we were going out and drinking because you would say you would call me if you heard of something, and i took that something to mean if you found somewhere to drink. it hurt me on friday that you went to cordales after work because it wouldnt have mattered to me what we did. if we went out, just got something to eat, or sat and watched a movie. i just wanted to see you and do whatever, it truely didnt matter. im coming home again this weekend. if you want to do something, ANYTHING, i will call you. but if you still want to have your space, let me know.